Never forgotten

I took a short trip today to say Happy Birthday to a dear old friend. We couldn't have a coffee, or a long overdue chat, or a cry on each other's shoulder for she sadly passed away 8 years ago after a battle with breast cancer...sadly the cancer won. 

I wouldn't normally visit a grave. My personal belief is that my friend wouldn't be there...her energy is somewhere else...maybe watching over us or reviewing the lessons of her past life..maybe even living again, another life. But I did go to that grave, I felt compelled. It was her birthday and I needed to mark the day in some way. This year being of significant importance due to my own breast cancer diagnosis. I wanted her to know I was carrying on the fight!

It's hard to believe it's been 8 years since I last saw her. Her death deeply affected so many people especially her close friends and her family.  She was a good person, always ready to help others. Beautiful inside and out. We had known each other since we were five years old. Time could pass us by, but when we met, it was as if we had seen each other just the day before. Friends like that are hard to come by... I miss her every day. 

Feel the burn!

No,  I'm not exercising, if only I had the strength to do so.  No, this burn is my poor GI (gastrointestinal) tract screaming out in bloody misery to this poison circulating in my body. It's making me feel nauseous too...and I've so had enough of that! 

I called my GP... a thing I rarely do and told her of my plight. I knew that the best thing for this would be omeprazole (a drug that is used to treat gi problems like ulcers, etc) and once I explained my symptoms that was what she said she would prescribe. 

I've had one tablet and I could feel the burning easing at last. Hopefully that's me on the mend till the next round.  

Side effects

Bleurgh! It's day 7 post chemo and instead of starting to enjoy food I'm still pondering what I can eat that won't make me feel rotten. My GI tract feels raw. I've added ranitidine to my daily cocktail to see if it helps. I might even have to do the unimaginable and contact my GP for a prescription of something or another (I rarely go to GP). I'm annoyed. I want to be stuffing my face with all sorts of lovely food and instead I'm staring vacantly at my cupboards wondering what foods are likely to do least damage. I was looking at some of the chat forums on the Macmillan site to see if anyone else was feeling the same, maybe there was something simple that helped them. Sadly I was surprised at how many people just accept and tolerate a whole host of chemo side effects that maybe they shouldn't be. I don't want to be the the same so I guess I had better go and call someone.

From under the stone

It's Day 5 post chemo. I'm surveying the wreck after the second round. I'm beginning to look like an extra from 'The Walking Dead'...god knows, I feel it! It was the same last round, on day 5 I could crawl out from under my stone and try to find some normality in this horribleness. So just in case you wonder what my blog would have looked like on those previous days here it is...

Wednesday Chemo Round 2

I felt pretty excited to be here as I'm getting new anti emetics and I'm told they are great in the land of chemo. The toxins were injected in as normal and I go home to wait. As expected, teatime, it starts. My head starts to buzz inside. My eyes feel sore as if the light is blinding and the waves of nausea are about to wash over me. It's best if I'm in bed now...so I go leaving hubby to deal with kid's teas, etc.

And there it starts. The anti emetics are working, I'm not feeling like vomiting. I'm not feeling nausea. But the waves still come and I still feel hideously sick...there is no god!

Thursday Day 2

Tossing and turning in bed, no position can relieve this crappy feeling. I feel like I have stomach flu.  I want to crawl under a stone and not come out.

Friday Day 3

Forget it, I'm not coming out. I am however blessed by good friends who in turn whisk my son away and then my daughter. It is a relief not having to feel bad that I am having to ignore them during their holidays...thank you good friends x

Saturday Day 4

I manage to crawl from my stone to the sofa for a bit and later, as I head back to bed I can feel the chemical craze starting to ease...maybe tomorrow.

Sunday Day 5

I'm out. Still feeling pretty weak but the 'stomach flu' feeling has eased and I can begin to move towards feeling more normal. Normal is wonderful! Be glad to feel normal...I do!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5yaoMjaAmE

Move over Demi!

I stood in the shower watching the clumps of hair just washing down from my head over my body to the plug hole. I expected it...but it was still a shock to see so much. I tried to dry and style my hair carefully but every brush, every iron, saw handfuls slipping out. I spent the day picking hair from my clothes...so did my family. On Saturday, I looked into the mirror knowing it had to go. I couldn't go another day wondering if one large gust of wind would leave me standing bald and embarrassed! The appointment was set. I was set...I thought! It is a hard decision to make...shaving your head. Was I jumping the gun? Should I wait longer...try some comb overs? It's worked for Donald Trump and the Baldy Man for years!

With doubts in mind I made my way to the hairdressers. Francis of Galston offer an excellent service for people just like me. I cannot thank their staff member Kylie enough. With such compassion and professionalism she has guided me through the ins and out of choosing and fitting a wig. I cannot recommend them enough!

I sat in the chair, the door was locked, no-one was coming in! I quietly voiced my concerns...was I doing this too soon...should I wait longer...keep me, being me just for a while more? But Kylie could see I hated the hair falling out, I hated that I couldn't colour it (and it sooo needed coloured) and with a few words I knew I was doing the right thing. She said what I needed to hear. She said that this was ME taking control...not the bloody chemotherapy! I chose the time, and I was doing it before feeling that I had had no other choice!

Kylie said she often turns people away from the mirror, shaves their head and fits their new hair. When they turn back they don't need to think about the trauma of losing their hair. I guess my choice to watch through the whole procedure was about knowing that when I got home, I would still have to look in the mirror anyway. I would look and choose to see a strong character like Demi Moore in GI Jane!

So it was done...

I can't lie, a few tears were shed when I thought about how my children would feel. But like the diagnosis, like the surgery, like the need for chemotherapy, I have to move to a place of acceptance. It's another step forward in this process, in this journey. 

Kylie's job was done. I looked in the mirror and yes I looked like me again!

Get that chemo look!

Well it has started. You can't put it off. You can't do anything about it. It's inevitable. Getting chemo means your hair will start to fall out. A few nights ago my head was tingly all over...my hair roots were dying. Today, day 15 post chemo, as I ran my fingers through my hair lots of strands came away. It was inevitable...but it is still saddening when it happens. I'm trying to look on the bright side...I will save a fortune in hair colourants and I won't need to shave my legs/underarms all summer. As I have legs like a chimp this is a definite bonus!