4 down

I had a lovely few days before chemo blast no 4...the children's sports day, meeting with good friends and my sister's get together karaoke party for her 50th. I felt good. It felt good to feel good.
I felt ridiculous as I  boaked continuously while the nurse was injecting me with the poison. Even as I write this I feel a well of bile rise up inside me as I think about those syringes. I apologised profusely to the nurse because I know that it's a psychological association now...I'm going to have to try undo it before my next blast.
It's now day 8 post chemo. It really floored me. It was as if my life force was hovering outside of me. Breathless and without energy you feel pathetic and weak...and frustrated. Without complaint, my hubby kept me fed and watered. Without complaint, he slept on the sofa to not pass on the cold he acquired.
My good, dear friends, whisked my children away and I cried because I was so grateful that they helped me by giving the children the fun time they so deserved. You really do know your true friends in times of need...they are the ones that just send the text to say 'I can take the kids today.'
It's great when the recovery days between doses arrive. It's great taking part in normality again.
Wouldn't it be great to ocassionally feel as free as Walter Mitty on his longboard through Iceland...

Measuring our lives

I can't let this week go by without talking about two wonderful and inspiring people who sadly lost their battles to cancer. Steven Sutton, who peacefully died yesterday and Hannah Foxley who passed away on May 6th. These awesome heroes of cancer left wonderful legacies, using their own diagnosis  to talk openly about the effects of cancer, raise awareness and fundraise for cancer charities.

Since her initial diagnosis, Hannah quit her secure financial planning job and set up her own business of helping divorced women with their financial planning. She also became an ambassador for  Breakthrough Cancer and began fundraising for it and other cancer charities to raise their profile and  money. Many people learned who she was after she had posed nude in photographs which visually showed her battle scars. For many, it was a shock, but her aim was to raise awareness and to remind women to be confident in their body image, regardless of how it looks. I for one respected her courage, strength and conviction.

Steven Sutton became a household name. I don't know anyone who hasn't heard about "Steve's Story." He has raised over an amazing three and a half million pounds! He showed the world that you can do amazing things even when diagnosed with terminal cancer. I loved to read his quote that "life isn't measured by the length of time you are here, it's measured by your achievements".  I don't think anyone can argue that he achieved greatness in his all too short 19 years. 

For many people that are told they have cancer, it is quite natural to do a life review so far. I for one know that how easy it is to start regretting wasted time, time not spent recognising how precious time is.  But as Eckhart Tolle advocates in "The Power of Now" we can stop this destructive way of thinking about our past or future by living in the present moment.  It's really hard to keep on top of our niggling minds but I'm going to take a leaf out of Steven and Hannah's book...

https://www.facebook.com/StephensStory?fref=ts

http://hannahfoxley.com

Chasing butterflies

It's a beautiful day! I went out for a walk with my four legged friend and while I enjoyed feeling at ease in my body, she chased some butterflies!

The rotten gastric symptoms are easing now and I have some new medicinal firearms thanks to my GP who promptly wrote me a prescription for everything and anything that might help me to get through.

I also had a call from someone who might be able to help me to help others in a similar situation to myself, so that has helped me to feel more positive and pro-active. I think that I need to take this crappy situation and use it in a way that can help me and others. My background is in nursing and I have a masters degree in health psychology but being the patient puts me in an ideal situation to truly help and understand others who need it. 

Happy what day?

My apologies for blog neglect. My only excuse is that I felt awful and small tasks seemed enormous. 

So I guess I have some catching up to do. Last Tuesday (29th) I had a pretty busy day. A pelvic scan to see if I can get a laparoscopic removal of ovaries/uterus when the time is right...thanks to the BRCA2 gene mutation, I need to reduce my risk of cancer in this area too!

I also had my bloods done and spoke to the oncologist. He never looks that happy to see me! I am the patient from hell! I really complained about the side effects from the last cycle of chemo. I explained about the sheer burning gastric hell that was mine for almost two weeks. He considered cutting out the steroids only but I felt I needed a dose reduction and he reluctantly agreed. I really just wanted to scream "try it for your bloody self and see how you cope!"...but I didn't...I smiled politely and said thanks! My breast care nurse was once again supportive and she agreed I had to do what was right for me...to see this through.

Day 1 of chemo cycle 3 arrived the next day. I had a friend with me so I was ushered to a side bay. As I watched the red and clear poison being injected I prayed the reduced dose might let me off a bit lighter than last time...but it didn't!

Well to be honest, at first I thought it had. I felt nausea, took my usual anti-emetics and omeprazole, I even had an anti-anxiety tab to try and I went to bed as usual. The symptoms at first seemed more manageable than the last time. As the days passed however, I could feel the gastric acid starting once again to rise. Boaking became my new pastime! I had really thought that by day four I would be ok but I just stayed in bed...it was my birthday! My poor hubby and children tried to make me feel better with cards, presents and a
cake. I smiled weakly at them and felt guilty for feeling crap!

I broke my heart on Sunday. It was the Race for Life. I so wanted to do it wearing a bright pink wig but instead I looked at the pics of others doing it and cried! It was a real low point. 

My sister tried to brighten my mood by bringing me lovely presents and a fab cake. The cake had a hand made (by sis) Wonder Woman model to try to remind me to be strong. It wasn't so easy this time to relate to when I felt so rotten.

The side effects of chemotherapy are not really fully understood or researched. While oncologists try to manage symptoms as best as possible most patients simply suffer in silence at home in bed hoping that it'll pass and thinking this is chemo, this is what I need to accept.

Getting some doggie support!

Many people feel really low during chemo, depressed even and I for one know how this feels. It is very hard having people trying to support you while you feel truly ghastly and helpless while at the same time keep a smile on your face for the kids or those that pop in to see you. I believe that the while the drugs making you feel bloody awful are a large part, I also feel that the toxic effects on the brain and your emotions are at play too...simply making it all seem worse. A great deal more research needs to be done on managing side effects and therapeutic dosage levels.

I'm going to see my GP again today to see if she can offer any other support to help with this gastritis. My concern is that I'm already on all the drugs that are advised for this condition and I am already doing all the right things that one with gastritis should do. The main problem though, is one would generally stop taking the 'things' (drug, alcohol, spicy foods, etc) that cause the problem...for me that is the chemo and I still have 3 more cycles to go...so I'm struggling to look ahead at the mo and remain positive.

Never forgotten

I took a short trip today to say Happy Birthday to a dear old friend. We couldn't have a coffee, or a long overdue chat, or a cry on each other's shoulder for she sadly passed away 8 years ago after a battle with breast cancer...sadly the cancer won. 

I wouldn't normally visit a grave. My personal belief is that my friend wouldn't be there...her energy is somewhere else...maybe watching over us or reviewing the lessons of her past life..maybe even living again, another life. But I did go to that grave, I felt compelled. It was her birthday and I needed to mark the day in some way. This year being of significant importance due to my own breast cancer diagnosis. I wanted her to know I was carrying on the fight!

It's hard to believe it's been 8 years since I last saw her. Her death deeply affected so many people especially her close friends and her family.  She was a good person, always ready to help others. Beautiful inside and out. We had known each other since we were five years old. Time could pass us by, but when we met, it was as if we had seen each other just the day before. Friends like that are hard to come by... I miss her every day. 

Feel the burn!

No,  I'm not exercising, if only I had the strength to do so.  No, this burn is my poor GI (gastrointestinal) tract screaming out in bloody misery to this poison circulating in my body. It's making me feel nauseous too...and I've so had enough of that! 

I called my GP... a thing I rarely do and told her of my plight. I knew that the best thing for this would be omeprazole (a drug that is used to treat gi problems like ulcers, etc) and once I explained my symptoms that was what she said she would prescribe. 

I've had one tablet and I could feel the burning easing at last. Hopefully that's me on the mend till the next round.  

Side effects

Bleurgh! It's day 7 post chemo and instead of starting to enjoy food I'm still pondering what I can eat that won't make me feel rotten. My GI tract feels raw. I've added ranitidine to my daily cocktail to see if it helps. I might even have to do the unimaginable and contact my GP for a prescription of something or another (I rarely go to GP). I'm annoyed. I want to be stuffing my face with all sorts of lovely food and instead I'm staring vacantly at my cupboards wondering what foods are likely to do least damage. I was looking at some of the chat forums on the Macmillan site to see if anyone else was feeling the same, maybe there was something simple that helped them. Sadly I was surprised at how many people just accept and tolerate a whole host of chemo side effects that maybe they shouldn't be. I don't want to be the the same so I guess I had better go and call someone.