Side effects and musicals

I said in my last blog that October would be busy and it has been. Kid's birthdays, parties and school holidays have had me running about like headless chicken. And believe me, I really feel headless. Or brainless to be more accurate. Chemobrain is a real side effect and it is becoming quite frustrating. I forget people's names, places, what I need to do and other important things. I am reading alot to keep my mind active, but things are still foggy. I am hoping that it improves over time.

Chemo has been finished for 3 months now but the effects of chemo are really far reaching and enduring. Each person responds differently, but I do feel that most will suffer the same symptoms that I have. I had my bloods done recently and thinking they would be completely normal, I was shocked to find that they are still on the low side, despite my healthy diet. It makes me scared to think about the damage that has been done. The surgery, the chemo, the radiation. I feel depleted. Was there another way?

I was too scared to try another way. I want to be here for my children and husband. I didn't want to let my family down, or worry them by trying something else. Our medical institutions don't give you an alternative choice...it's the big three. It's not doctor's faults, it is how they are educated...by the drug companies.  Don't take my word for it. Do some research into the history of how medicine came to be.

In America, not everyone has the money or the appropriate level of healthcare insurance to get the big three and have been turning to other ways to treat their cancer. For many it has been the best choice that they could have made. Many try raw nutrition, laetrile, detoxing, juicing, supplements, or a combination of these approaches and many more. And they are getting good...no, excellent results without having to endure the barbaric big three. I too, would have preferred one of these routes...but as I said, I was too scared. Now I feel scared in another way. That the treatment I was given was so toxic and carcinogenic in itself, that I will never really be free from the worry. So I will continue on my anti cancer diet and look into the other approaches to keep me cancer free. 

The truth about cancer episode 1

And so the time has finally arrived, the YDNY musical is currently on at the Glasgow Mitchell Theatre. And it is wonderful. I am truly impressed by how professional a performance it is. It is funny, sad, happy, educational and inspiring. It has been a very exciting time for me as I have been helping out. Selling programmes, meeting crowdfunders, helping the cast to change costumes and assiting wherever I can...and watching the show too of course! I don't think that the last performance tonight will be the last we see of this wonderful musical. My sister has done a wonderful thing. Raised awareness, raised money and done it all through hard work and determination. I'm proud of my sister. She is really living her dream.

Last chance today to see YDNY

Hello October

The nights are fair drawing in! I'm sad to see the end of warm days and light nights, but this October will be busy so I'm hoping to ease in to Autumn without too much of a fuss.
Autumn is a beautiful season. I love the sunny, cold, crisp days where I can go for walks bundled up with jumpers, hats and scarves. They give you a chance to say goodbye to summer before the shorter, darker, wetter days of Winter make you want to curl up in doors until Spring comes around again. It won't be long.

The month started off with an unexpected visit to see "The Full Monty" at the King's Theatre. It was great...and very funny! I was even at the pub beforehand where after one glass of wine, I was anybody's! That's what happens when you stop drinking for so long. I really need to get out more often!


I also popped in to see rehearsals for my sister's fab musical "Your Disco Needs You". I was really impressed. Even though the limelight isn't something I crave, I felt envious that I wasn't one of the cast. Rehearsals looked very enjoyable, sociable and the cast looked like one big happy family.

 It isn't long now until the show is on for real. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm told it will be a roller coaster for the emotions, a mirror on reality and a great chance to raise some breast cancer awareness. I'm bringing my hanky!
Have a look at the web page it is really interesting...
YDNY website

This month also sees my daughter's 7th birthday and my son's 10th birthday party (his birthday was last month). The years pass by so quickly. I'm grateful to be here experiencing each one. You know that your perspective on life has changed when you pray to see many more birthdays and each hug is gratefully shared while you silently acknowledge that you just don't know what is round the corner of each new day.

From Demi to Alyssa

Back in April, not long after I had started chemo, I had to shave my head. It was difficult task but one that was necessary due to the side effects of the drugs. I cried at the loss of self image. I put on a wonderful wig and to people that I didn't know, they were oblivious to the fact that my hair was not my own. I felt normal once again. I wanted people to see me, not the cancer.
As the chemotherapy was coming to an end my own hair started to slowly grow back. It takes time. Everyday I found myself examining it's length. I'm not very patient!
Whilst at the Beatson, I would regularly see women without scarves, hats or wigs. I envied them in their boldness to show the world. I wasn't that brave.
I started to become used to the new 'cropped' look, even when it was grey! It was only going out that I continued to wear my wig. At home I rarely wore it. I really couldn't wait to feel comfortable enough with the shortness to take the wig off completely. My impatience saw me buy some hair dyes (well there was no way I was uncovering this greyness!). I had a henna one, a non chemical one and a chemical one. It was a new dilemma. Should I just go for it? Some may wonder what was the problem, but I was worried about the non chemical dyes not taking and worried about the harshness of the chemical one (it is advised that you wait 6 months after chemo before dying your hair). I'm not very good at following rules, it is the small rebel in me. I opted for the chemicals. My rational was that the non chemicals probably wouldn't take and I would end up using the chemicals anyway on top  of some strange coloured rinse!
I looked for inspiration for my new look and it came in the form of the beautiful Alyssa Milano, the actress from one of my favourite shows "Charmed". Her pixie look hairstyle stunned her fans who were used to seeing her long dark locks, but I thought it really suited her.
So Friday night came. I dyed my hair. I was uncertain of the redness. I was uncertain of the shortness.  I took my children to their karate lessons on saturday and peeled off my wig in the toilets to show my friends. With their positive response, I too felt positive and that afternoon the wig finally came off.
Me and my family headed to my sisters house for a September barbie. It was the perfect day. I felt free. Even though my hair is still too short to style and I'm no Alyssa Milano, I like knowing that it is my own hair. It's me again!

The future choice

I am not a political person. I have never fully understood politics or economics. In fact, I generally shied away from them even when I had to do these subjects in university. I quickly dumped them in favour of studying psychology and sociology. But I have realised over the years that to shy away, to not even try to understand, is itself, a political choice. I was leaving the choice to those that did choose to vote or to make their political voice heard. But what about my voice, my opinions? Even though I don't fully understand the in's and out's of the political world, and I often say nothing for fear that I embarrass myself, I was allowing other people to create the world they wanted. 

Not doing something through fear of what 'might' happen, or of looking/sounding silly, or believing that it won't matter what I say/do, won't cut it anymore. My recent health issue has impacted my life in so many ways...I guess I have 'grown up' a lot. It has made me look at the world in a very different way. I'm not so scared to voice my opinion, to leave my mark in this world. I'm not so worried about what I think other people will think, as long as what I say and do is done with my best intentions for my fellow beings.

So where is all this going? Well as I filled in my indyref postal voting form this week I questioned whether to discuss it here at all. Did my opinion re independence figure at all in this blog?...well I guess it does.

For such a long time now I have been learning, researching, trying to understand the world around me. I have read about controversy, health, big corp, money and the ordinary person. Some things I have read have shocked, stunned and disgusted me. Our western world just isn't working for the needs of the ordinary person. It is working for the top 1% only. And while you may feel quite happy purchasing your latest iPhone or pair of Manolo Blahniks, please know that the wool is being quite firmly being pulled over your eyes. Our need to consume helps to drown out the inner voices that tell you all is not right with this way of life. 

While I was being treated for this disease I thought "why me?" Why was my life and the life of so many victims to this disease affected, what choices had I made that led me to this? I do believe that our so called 'healthy' lifestyles and 'balanced' diets are simply reflection of what the large corporations want us to eat. They are not healthy or balanced. I've done my research and I've made my changes.

And while I received scan after scan and treatment after treatment, I didn't need to think about cost or insurance, or whether I could afford to get the prescription medications that I needed, because the Scottish health service provided a first class service that I am deeply grateful for. This is not a service we want to lose. Most people do not realise how good it is until they need to use the inferior health services of another country. And so, while I watch as the NHS in England is rapidly being privatised and where people have to decide what medications they can afford to buy...I vote YES to save the Scottish NHS and free prescriptions. http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/tories-want-privatise-nhs-cuts-3102993

I am also grateful for the higher education that I received, that gave me the skills and academic knowledge which has helped to serve our talented Scottish workforce. I want the same thing for my children. I have voted YES to protect their right to the same education that I had without a lifetime of debt.

I also want to know that by the age I retire, both the health and pension services that we have been helping to build, will be there to support me in my elder years. So I will vote YES to protect this. 

These are the main issues that I am concerned about that have attracted my attention and vote. I feel quite strongly that if we are currently not better together now, then it is unlikely that a UK government that we haven't voted for is the right one to lead us into the future. It would be like staying in a bad marriage because your too frightened of the financial repercussions and the risk to let it go.

I firmly believe the risk will be one worth taking to build a great future. Quite frankly, I'm pretty sick of the scaremongering and lies from the UK government. I won't go into them here, but they are not too hard to uncover. I'm fed up struggling for a bigger share of the pie that ends up on the top 1% plates. It is time to build a fairer country. I think the Scottish people are truly inspiring. I have been inspired by the grassroots initiative that that led this campaign. People like me, that simply want a better, fairer way of life. I love it that we have shaken off our apathy, we are finally awake and we are getting our voices heard. 

Here is my voice...I have voted YES!

The Wee Blue Book Link

Pat Kane & Dr Philippa Whitford @ YES Clarkston Q&A

Done!

Yesterday morning I walked in to the Beatson Radiotherapy Treatment Room H for the last of my sessions. It was a great and positive feeling to come to this point. I did it!
Today is the start of the rest of my life. Yes, I still have some surgery to go through, but I see those as recovery events which will help to keep me healthy and cancer free.
I am not a victim of cancer. In fact, I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. I am grateful for the wonderful body and health that I have and feel. I am grateful for each beautiful day that I am here on this planet to see and be with my wonderful family. I am grateful for all the lovely things that have manifested in my life. I am grateful for the gorgeous friends that I have, those that I have met during this journey and for those that will be part of it in the future. I am grateful for the experiences that have taught me to let go of the small, insignificant fears that keep us in the past or worrying about the future. So, I guess, as difficult as the experience was, I am grateful for my wake up call to see the silver lining that was always there, even when I couldn't see it.
And yes, it is all a bit soppy...so here is my sister's ice bucket challenge to give you a little giggle!

Click on the link - Neet's Ice Bucket Challenge

Scary stuff

I was not in a good place yesterday. The memory and reaction to first being told about this nasty little disease was re-enacted. It started out as any other day. Up and out bright and early for my radiotherapy treatment, some brief shopping and home. All good until an envelope came through my door. It was an appointment for a repeat CT. I asked my breast care nurse why I needed this scan and she casually said "well you know how you have a pericardial node, it's to check on it post treatment". Well, I was gobsmacked...and panicked. What did this mean? Was I riddled? What else had I not been told?  I couldn't talk any more, I had to think, but this made it worse. I was fuming that I hadn't been told. I called her back and told her that no-one had told me about this. She tried to calm me down but it wasn't working...I needed more info. She tried to get one of the oncologists but we couldn't track her down. Eventually, an email was sent requesting her to call me, but I went to bed anxious and scared.

Today I went as usual for my radiotherapy. I spoke to the therapists and told them what had happened. They too tried to contact an oncologist but he was in a meeting so I asked him to call me in the afternoon. I was worried that the day would pass and I would face a weekend of worry. Eventually I got a call. It was from the oncologist that I don't relate to very well, but he was a great help. After several apologies for me not being told (to be honest it was not oncology's fault anyway), he explained that the node was tiny and on the opposite side from my affected side with nothing in between which meant that it was likely to be unrelated and being so small likely to be nothing (it is normal to have nodules around body that are nothing at all). As it was flagged up by the CT it would be rechecked. And there was nothing else seen on any scans. Well I was relieved to say the least. I hadn't been told because they didn't think it was anything. Phew! For now at least! I'm going to keep my fingers (and toes) crossed anyway.

Alive

Went out for my second run this morning. Another 3.5 miles. Feeling good. 

This is how I feel today. Put this song on and have a wee dance around the room...I did!

Click on the link - Alive!