Happy New Beginnings

How do you view Hogmanay and New Year? Do you celebrate loudly with friends, or just a quiet night with your loved one or maybe you shut up shop and go to bed early?  Normally, we tend to have quiet affair for Hogmanay and have a family get together on New Year's Day. This Hogmanay we are having some friends over for a quiet celebration just before the bells and as usual, a get-together tomorrow with my sis, which we love.

This year as I raise my glass to see out the old and bring in the new, I will quietly be thinking about this past year. Many people have said I will be glad to get it behind me and while I am glad to have the treatment over, I am grateful for the lessons that this 'blip' has taught me. The silver lining behind my very large black cloud has always been there. I am grateful to be healthy and well and grateful for my wonderful family and their love. I will never again take good health, good friends and happiness for granted again. Things can change in the blink of an eye. The recent tragedy in George Square shows us this quite clearly. 

I love the changes that I have made in my life as a result of this breast cancer. For some time I wanted  to make dietary changes. For some time I wanted to be less stressed about the not so important details of life. For some time I wanted to find a direction in life. And as hard as it was, breast cancer has given me those things. 

As a nurse I used to work in many different specialities and daily I came across people that were sick or depressed or both about their health and lives. I used to try to advise them, but so many people refused to make their health their business. One day in a high dependency cardiac unit, the charge nurse told me that many people refuse to make changes in their life until they have had 2 or 3 heart attacks and often it is too late and the damage has been done. How sad. How sad that we choose to ignore the things that are screaming out to us to fix until it is too late.

I  blog about these things in the hope and wish that other people don't wait to make positive changes in their lives until they are faced with a diagnosis such as mine. I ignored my messages until they hit me square on. I didn't believe it could happen to me. 

New Year is a wonderful time. Fresh starts and new beginnings abound. Let's do some affirmations to create the lives we want and deserve. Let's not forget about others along the way. Let's stop focussing on the negatives and boost the positives. Let's get committed to helping ourselves and others reclaim happiness. Let's make health a normal part of our lives. Let's evolve our awareness and consciousness to higher levels. Let's not accept corporate greed as a way of life. Let's take out the garbage and make room for new growth. Let's take our dreams and make them a reality. Let's live in the now and forget about the past and the future will take care of itself.  Let's create a better world for our children.

I'm raising my glass to a wonderful 2015 and continuing to make lots of positive changes. Happy New Year!

And so this is Christmas...

Blissful ignorance last year!

The Christmas movie is on...we are singing along to the yuletide tunes. It is your typical memory inducing pre-Christmas lazy weekend. As I put up the Christmas tree with the children, I think about my blissful ignorance of the fact that my breast cancer was at this time last year, undiscovered. I had, had the BRCA gene test and was awaiting its results. I felt pretty confident that all would be fine. My Facebook timeline and pictures show my confident disregard for what would unfold. 

If you can't have a laugh at yourself...

Sometimes, when I look back I feel sad for what I have lost. I guess it is a similar feeling for those that look at old pictures to people who have passed away and feel sad that they won't be able to recreate those same feelings of good, old, happy carefree times. My feelings swing from happy to be alive to sad for past carefree times. I'm almost bipolar! Along with my hair and some body parts, I've lost a wee part of the old me. Maybe this is the silver lining. That old me was always grumbling about some ridiculous nothing or another. The new me sports a 'See You Jimmy' hair-do and more of an indifferent attitude. This is definitely a good thing...no not the 'See You Jimmy' part, that is a hair-do unto itself which will tame itself eventually! No, the indifferent part. I always wanted to be more indifferent to the small insignificant annoyances that scratch through most people's minds on a daily basis. I'm not so caught up in being annoyed about less trivial matters and I'm more grateful to the basics of life that we tend to overlook...still breathing being one of them!

Yip! it has been some year. It's time to shake off the old, put my Christmas head on and start thinking about the new...

Happy Eating!

Some people have asked me for a blog about being a vegan...so here it is. 

There's lot's to know, not just about veganism but more importantly, why move away from animal products, so I usually suggest to my friends to google and read about it first before drawing any conclusions. 

Now that I eat a vegan diet, I regularly get asked what I eat. In fact, many people do not know what a vegan is. A vegan is someone who does not eat any animal products. Some vegans choose to go further than just diet, restricting wearing clothes and shoes that have been made from animals, or cosmetics that have been tested on animals. 

Before my diagnosis, I had already been reading about vegan, raw and acid/alkaline diets so I already knew about the health benefits. (Please note though, some people can claim to eat a vegan or vegetarian diet without a vegetable ever passing their lips...and no, this is not healthy! A whole foods, plant based diet is what I eat and is what the WHO claim to be excellent for your health and the environment.) So, it was a very easy decision once diagnosed to make the switch to being vegan. I make all of my meals from scratch. It is easy to do and it means I can be completely sure that no animal products have sneaked into my meal. You would be surprised at just how many shop bought vegetable sauces, etc, have milk in them. In fact, have a look in your cupboards and fridges at the ingredient labels, especially those that you would not expect any dairy to be lurking...it's in everything. Not good for those with intolerances, skin, asthma or other inflammatory conditions.

Garlicky mushrooms with cannellini beans
and spinach

So here is a very small selection of what I love to eat;

Vegetable and rice noodle stir fries

Vegetable curry..one fav is sweet potato and spinach

Minestrone soup full of chunky veg including potatoes and beans

In fact any veg soup; carrot and coriander or spicy butternut squash especially!

vegemince chilli

vegemince spag bol

Mina's Minestrone Soup

salad and marinated tofu with roast potatoes

marinated artichokes, peppers and rice

The list goes on, I won't bore you further! 

I like to choose my favourite dishes and veganise them! 

I am also experimenting with vegan baking. I love chocolate cake, so here is the recipe (as I have promised some friends I would add it). It is a really moist cake and very quick to make. My kids love it!

Oven at 175 degrees Celsius

Vegan Chocolate Cake

I use a lined or greased loaf tin

210g plain flour

200g caster sugar

35g good quality 100% cocoa powder

1 teaspoon baking powder

Half teaspoon salt

Sift together in a large bowl

then add

225ml water

75mls of vegetable oil or you can use 75g vegetable spread (I use soya Pure)

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1 teaspoon of balsamic vinegar (or white vinegar, but the balsamic complements the chocolate)

Mix together to combine all ingredients.

Pour mixture into pan and bake for 45mins or until a skewer comes out clean.

Veganise your favourite buttercream using icing sugar and vegan margarine (I use Pure) to top, or serve warm with dairy free custard, or your favourite jam. Yum! 

If you fancy eating more healthier, especially after over eating during the festive period, why don't you do some reading around the subject of a whole foods, plant based diet. Have a look at the health benefits you can expect. It is particularly beneficial for those looking to lose weight in a healthy, gradual manner. It can reverse high cholesterol, diabetes and heart disease and protect against many cancers.

In a society where obesity, ill health and cancer are becoming epidemic we need to look at how we can take responsibility for our own health rather than expecting our doctors to simply dish out the drugs...it is no way to live.

One of my Facebook friends has just shared this excellent web site about giving veganism a go in January... have a look, the recipes are brilliant. Or, just ease yourself into it by having an animal free day, once a week. (p.s. you don't need to register to have a look at the recipes, etc)

Veganuary

Happy Eating!

Choices   

One of the choices I made to reduce my cancer risk was to have my ovaries removed. For those with the BRCA gene, it is one of the options (see link: BRCA gene mutations ) that you can take. Well, I did. I actually had a laparoscopic removal of my ovaries and uterus. Both had been shrunk to just about nothing following chemo anyway. I'm recovering fine. It's been four days. I opted to decline any analgesia post op. To be honest I just can't face any more drugs. I found it very difficult knowing that they were going to be giving me drugs during surgery, but obviously I needed to be put to sleep! I actually think I have recovered faster without any analgesia. A lot of these drugs can make you feel really doped post op, not to mention constipated and depressed and I didn't want to go down that route.  But, this again is a personal choice, everyone is different. The worst part of it all was the gas pain in my abdomen (they use gas to distend your abdomen so that they can see your organs clearly). It didn't hit me till I got home the day after surgery and I had to manage it with moving around and heat pads. 

I have been looking at the role of oestrogen in the body..especially now I have very little. Most people don't realise that your adrenal glands also make oestrogen. We have oestrogen receptor sites all round our bodies because this hormone plays an important role in many of our biological functions. A reduction in oestrogen affects our hearts, bones, skin, nervous system, brain as well as the more obvious gynaecological changes. (see link:role of oestrogen) 

I'm worried about the long term health effects of no oestrogen. It's like Russian Roulette..keep the hormones, have some breast cancer...get rid of them and take your choice between stroke, high cholesterol, dementia, and Parkinson's. And that is without the drug Letrozole, which further removes oestrogen from our body which I am supposed to take! I am going to have to make another choice regarding taking this or not.

I'm also worried that I have removed the protective, healing factor that my brain needed to recover from the chemo as oestrogen influences the blood flow and nerve impulses in the brain. Oh god, I'm going to be this forgetful forever!

Well, it is done. All I can do is continue to improve my health with proper nutrition and hope that I can reverse any damage I have done through eating the so called 'balanced diet' that we in the west claim to be healthy (and is anything but).

In hospital, a couple of the older women that I shared a room with, asked me why I chose to eat a vegan diet. One asked "what do you eat?" in such a way that she could not possibly fathom what I put on my dinner plate every day. I told her about the various meals that I had, which seemed to stir her interest and she was going home to do some research herself.

I too, am continually researching about food. I am fed up being misled about what a healthy diet really is. It is important that I make dietary changes to avoid a cancer reoccurrence and to correct the damage already done by previous choices (animal products, sugar, refined foods) and chemotherapy.
Coincidently (or not), my favourite nutritionist Dr Michael Greger, posted an article yesterday just as I was looking into the subject of pesticides. Is this something we should be worried about? Surely the government, environmental and health agencies would have something to say if we were being poisoned...right?  It can be difficult not to mention costly, to get all organic. Should we care? Well yes, we should and here is why.
Animal studies on the effects of pesticides have shown that they can affect foetal development, disrupt hormones, damage DNA and cause infertility. Studies however, failed to show the same negative effects on humans when they looked at the active ingredient. As a result, pesticides have been declared relatively safe for humans and the allowed pesticide residual levels have risen over the years. So, we're safe right?  Er, no! We're not! When another study looked at the effect of the active ingredient plus all the other adjuvants (basically everything else in the actual solution they spray on the crops which they normally don't test for), they found that they were 1000 times more toxic than the active ingredient alone! 1000 times! And these were the so-called inert substances. So, we can clearly state that pesticides are definitely harmful to us and environmental agencies will need to reassess this information with regard to the way that they test for toxicity levels and inform the public on safety.
So you think you are safe now just eating all your animal products...well no. Putting aside the carcinogenic effect of animal protein, the crops and many of them are GMO, that they feed to the animals are obviously sprayed too, thus impacting on their meat.
So what to do? Well, don't just take my word for it.
Do some research yourself. You can start with the paper that I have just discussed (here is the link: Major Pesticides Are More Toxic To Human Cells Than Their Declared Active Principles).
Make it your business to know what big agrochemical companies are making you and your family eat. What goes into the ground also contaminates marine life.
Eat more organic produce (including animal products if you eat them). In the USA, The Environmental Working Group advise us to steer clear of the "Dirty Dozen" fruits and veg and to only eat them if organically grown. Sadly, they are the ones we most routinely buy so it is worth reading their fact sheet (See link here: Health Risks of Pesticides in Foods) as it is info that also impacts us here in the UK too.
Don't leave it to the environmental, agricultural or health agencies to look after your health. They don't. They are too busy protecting big business interests to tell us the real truth.

Side effects and musicals

I said in my last blog that October would be busy and it has been. Kid's birthdays, parties and school holidays have had me running about like headless chicken. And believe me, I really feel headless. Or brainless to be more accurate. Chemobrain is a real side effect and it is becoming quite frustrating. I forget people's names, places, what I need to do and other important things. I am reading alot to keep my mind active, but things are still foggy. I am hoping that it improves over time.

Chemo has been finished for 3 months now but the effects of chemo are really far reaching and enduring. Each person responds differently, but I do feel that most will suffer the same symptoms that I have. I had my bloods done recently and thinking they would be completely normal, I was shocked to find that they are still on the low side, despite my healthy diet. It makes me scared to think about the damage that has been done. The surgery, the chemo, the radiation. I feel depleted. Was there another way?

I was too scared to try another way. I want to be here for my children and husband. I didn't want to let my family down, or worry them by trying something else. Our medical institutions don't give you an alternative choice...it's the big three. It's not doctor's faults, it is how they are educated...by the drug companies.  Don't take my word for it. Do some research into the history of how medicine came to be.

In America, not everyone has the money or the appropriate level of healthcare insurance to get the big three and have been turning to other ways to treat their cancer. For many it has been the best choice that they could have made. Many try raw nutrition, laetrile, detoxing, juicing, supplements, or a combination of these approaches and many more. And they are getting good...no, excellent results without having to endure the barbaric big three. I too, would have preferred one of these routes...but as I said, I was too scared. Now I feel scared in another way. That the treatment I was given was so toxic and carcinogenic in itself, that I will never really be free from the worry. So I will continue on my anti cancer diet and look into the other approaches to keep me cancer free. 

The truth about cancer episode 1

And so the time has finally arrived, the YDNY musical is currently on at the Glasgow Mitchell Theatre. And it is wonderful. I am truly impressed by how professional a performance it is. It is funny, sad, happy, educational and inspiring. It has been a very exciting time for me as I have been helping out. Selling programmes, meeting crowdfunders, helping the cast to change costumes and assiting wherever I can...and watching the show too of course! I don't think that the last performance tonight will be the last we see of this wonderful musical. My sister has done a wonderful thing. Raised awareness, raised money and done it all through hard work and determination. I'm proud of my sister. She is really living her dream.

Last chance today to see YDNY

Hello October

The nights are fair drawing in! I'm sad to see the end of warm days and light nights, but this October will be busy so I'm hoping to ease in to Autumn without too much of a fuss.
Autumn is a beautiful season. I love the sunny, cold, crisp days where I can go for walks bundled up with jumpers, hats and scarves. They give you a chance to say goodbye to summer before the shorter, darker, wetter days of Winter make you want to curl up in doors until Spring comes around again. It won't be long.

The month started off with an unexpected visit to see "The Full Monty" at the King's Theatre. It was great...and very funny! I was even at the pub beforehand where after one glass of wine, I was anybody's! That's what happens when you stop drinking for so long. I really need to get out more often!


I also popped in to see rehearsals for my sister's fab musical "Your Disco Needs You". I was really impressed. Even though the limelight isn't something I crave, I felt envious that I wasn't one of the cast. Rehearsals looked very enjoyable, sociable and the cast looked like one big happy family.

 It isn't long now until the show is on for real. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm told it will be a roller coaster for the emotions, a mirror on reality and a great chance to raise some breast cancer awareness. I'm bringing my hanky!
Have a look at the web page it is really interesting...
YDNY website

This month also sees my daughter's 7th birthday and my son's 10th birthday party (his birthday was last month). The years pass by so quickly. I'm grateful to be here experiencing each one. You know that your perspective on life has changed when you pray to see many more birthdays and each hug is gratefully shared while you silently acknowledge that you just don't know what is round the corner of each new day.

From Demi to Alyssa

Back in April, not long after I had started chemo, I had to shave my head. It was difficult task but one that was necessary due to the side effects of the drugs. I cried at the loss of self image. I put on a wonderful wig and to people that I didn't know, they were oblivious to the fact that my hair was not my own. I felt normal once again. I wanted people to see me, not the cancer.
As the chemotherapy was coming to an end my own hair started to slowly grow back. It takes time. Everyday I found myself examining it's length. I'm not very patient!
Whilst at the Beatson, I would regularly see women without scarves, hats or wigs. I envied them in their boldness to show the world. I wasn't that brave.
I started to become used to the new 'cropped' look, even when it was grey! It was only going out that I continued to wear my wig. At home I rarely wore it. I really couldn't wait to feel comfortable enough with the shortness to take the wig off completely. My impatience saw me buy some hair dyes (well there was no way I was uncovering this greyness!). I had a henna one, a non chemical one and a chemical one. It was a new dilemma. Should I just go for it? Some may wonder what was the problem, but I was worried about the non chemical dyes not taking and worried about the harshness of the chemical one (it is advised that you wait 6 months after chemo before dying your hair). I'm not very good at following rules, it is the small rebel in me. I opted for the chemicals. My rational was that the non chemicals probably wouldn't take and I would end up using the chemicals anyway on top  of some strange coloured rinse!
I looked for inspiration for my new look and it came in the form of the beautiful Alyssa Milano, the actress from one of my favourite shows "Charmed". Her pixie look hairstyle stunned her fans who were used to seeing her long dark locks, but I thought it really suited her.
So Friday night came. I dyed my hair. I was uncertain of the redness. I was uncertain of the shortness.  I took my children to their karate lessons on saturday and peeled off my wig in the toilets to show my friends. With their positive response, I too felt positive and that afternoon the wig finally came off.
Me and my family headed to my sisters house for a September barbie. It was the perfect day. I felt free. Even though my hair is still too short to style and I'm no Alyssa Milano, I like knowing that it is my own hair. It's me again!

The future choice

I am not a political person. I have never fully understood politics or economics. In fact, I generally shied away from them even when I had to do these subjects in university. I quickly dumped them in favour of studying psychology and sociology. But I have realised over the years that to shy away, to not even try to understand, is itself, a political choice. I was leaving the choice to those that did choose to vote or to make their political voice heard. But what about my voice, my opinions? Even though I don't fully understand the in's and out's of the political world, and I often say nothing for fear that I embarrass myself, I was allowing other people to create the world they wanted. 

Not doing something through fear of what 'might' happen, or of looking/sounding silly, or believing that it won't matter what I say/do, won't cut it anymore. My recent health issue has impacted my life in so many ways...I guess I have 'grown up' a lot. It has made me look at the world in a very different way. I'm not so scared to voice my opinion, to leave my mark in this world. I'm not so worried about what I think other people will think, as long as what I say and do is done with my best intentions for my fellow beings.

So where is all this going? Well as I filled in my indyref postal voting form this week I questioned whether to discuss it here at all. Did my opinion re independence figure at all in this blog?...well I guess it does.

For such a long time now I have been learning, researching, trying to understand the world around me. I have read about controversy, health, big corp, money and the ordinary person. Some things I have read have shocked, stunned and disgusted me. Our western world just isn't working for the needs of the ordinary person. It is working for the top 1% only. And while you may feel quite happy purchasing your latest iPhone or pair of Manolo Blahniks, please know that the wool is being quite firmly being pulled over your eyes. Our need to consume helps to drown out the inner voices that tell you all is not right with this way of life. 

While I was being treated for this disease I thought "why me?" Why was my life and the life of so many victims to this disease affected, what choices had I made that led me to this? I do believe that our so called 'healthy' lifestyles and 'balanced' diets are simply reflection of what the large corporations want us to eat. They are not healthy or balanced. I've done my research and I've made my changes.

And while I received scan after scan and treatment after treatment, I didn't need to think about cost or insurance, or whether I could afford to get the prescription medications that I needed, because the Scottish health service provided a first class service that I am deeply grateful for. This is not a service we want to lose. Most people do not realise how good it is until they need to use the inferior health services of another country. And so, while I watch as the NHS in England is rapidly being privatised and where people have to decide what medications they can afford to buy...I vote YES to save the Scottish NHS and free prescriptions. http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/tories-want-privatise-nhs-cuts-3102993

I am also grateful for the higher education that I received, that gave me the skills and academic knowledge which has helped to serve our talented Scottish workforce. I want the same thing for my children. I have voted YES to protect their right to the same education that I had without a lifetime of debt.

I also want to know that by the age I retire, both the health and pension services that we have been helping to build, will be there to support me in my elder years. So I will vote YES to protect this. 

These are the main issues that I am concerned about that have attracted my attention and vote. I feel quite strongly that if we are currently not better together now, then it is unlikely that a UK government that we haven't voted for is the right one to lead us into the future. It would be like staying in a bad marriage because your too frightened of the financial repercussions and the risk to let it go.

I firmly believe the risk will be one worth taking to build a great future. Quite frankly, I'm pretty sick of the scaremongering and lies from the UK government. I won't go into them here, but they are not too hard to uncover. I'm fed up struggling for a bigger share of the pie that ends up on the top 1% plates. It is time to build a fairer country. I think the Scottish people are truly inspiring. I have been inspired by the grassroots initiative that that led this campaign. People like me, that simply want a better, fairer way of life. I love it that we have shaken off our apathy, we are finally awake and we are getting our voices heard. 

Here is my voice...I have voted YES!

The Wee Blue Book Link

Pat Kane & Dr Philippa Whitford @ YES Clarkston Q&A

Done!

Yesterday morning I walked in to the Beatson Radiotherapy Treatment Room H for the last of my sessions. It was a great and positive feeling to come to this point. I did it!
Today is the start of the rest of my life. Yes, I still have some surgery to go through, but I see those as recovery events which will help to keep me healthy and cancer free.
I am not a victim of cancer. In fact, I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. I am grateful for the wonderful body and health that I have and feel. I am grateful for each beautiful day that I am here on this planet to see and be with my wonderful family. I am grateful for all the lovely things that have manifested in my life. I am grateful for the gorgeous friends that I have, those that I have met during this journey and for those that will be part of it in the future. I am grateful for the experiences that have taught me to let go of the small, insignificant fears that keep us in the past or worrying about the future. So, I guess, as difficult as the experience was, I am grateful for my wake up call to see the silver lining that was always there, even when I couldn't see it.
And yes, it is all a bit soppy...so here is my sister's ice bucket challenge to give you a little giggle!

Click on the link - Neet's Ice Bucket Challenge

Scary stuff

I was not in a good place yesterday. The memory and reaction to first being told about this nasty little disease was re-enacted. It started out as any other day. Up and out bright and early for my radiotherapy treatment, some brief shopping and home. All good until an envelope came through my door. It was an appointment for a repeat CT. I asked my breast care nurse why I needed this scan and she casually said "well you know how you have a pericardial node, it's to check on it post treatment". Well, I was gobsmacked...and panicked. What did this mean? Was I riddled? What else had I not been told?  I couldn't talk any more, I had to think, but this made it worse. I was fuming that I hadn't been told. I called her back and told her that no-one had told me about this. She tried to calm me down but it wasn't working...I needed more info. She tried to get one of the oncologists but we couldn't track her down. Eventually, an email was sent requesting her to call me, but I went to bed anxious and scared.

Today I went as usual for my radiotherapy. I spoke to the therapists and told them what had happened. They too tried to contact an oncologist but he was in a meeting so I asked him to call me in the afternoon. I was worried that the day would pass and I would face a weekend of worry. Eventually I got a call. It was from the oncologist that I don't relate to very well, but he was a great help. After several apologies for me not being told (to be honest it was not oncology's fault anyway), he explained that the node was tiny and on the opposite side from my affected side with nothing in between which meant that it was likely to be unrelated and being so small likely to be nothing (it is normal to have nodules around body that are nothing at all). As it was flagged up by the CT it would be rechecked. And there was nothing else seen on any scans. Well I was relieved to say the least. I hadn't been told because they didn't think it was anything. Phew! For now at least! I'm going to keep my fingers (and toes) crossed anyway.

Alive

Went out for my second run this morning. Another 3.5 miles. Feeling good. 

This is how I feel today. Put this song on and have a wee dance around the room...I did!

Click on the link - Alive!

The road to health

The road ahead

So today I went out on my first run since January and all this nasty business of feeling bad...and it felt great! I ran and did some walking too so that Lexi could sniff every blade of grass. Three and a half miles. Surprisingly, it felt relatively easy. It didn't feel like I had been through what I had for the last eight months. Sure, my muscles will be a bit sore tomorrow...but it's a good sore...a sore that reflects that I'm on the road to health again.

It was also a great day as I met up with friends and their children for a picnic before the schools go back and we all continue in our routines which restart once the holidays are over. Or should I say ahead instead of go back? Ahead to the new academic year...ahead to a fresh start...ahead to a recovered me.

More steps along the way

So I started Tamoxifen...and stopped. Why?..Quite simply, I felt bloody awful. One of the side effects is nausea and vomiting which can last a few months before it settles. Well I guess with me being my usual drug sensitive way I started to feel slightly nauseous on the first day of taking it. I persevered for a few more but as I had also started radiotherapy, I just didn't feel that I could cope. I hoped the feeling would settle but it was only getting worse. To be honest, I am not happy about the long term side effects from this drug either but on a positive note, most research points to good recurrence prevention. I am scared, I can't deny it. I don't want to live under this constant shadow, so I need to discuss my options with my oncologist.
As mentioned, I started radiotherapy too. My appointments are first thing in the morning so that I can get back to the children to let my husband get to work. I am tired with the travelling and early starts but compared to the chemo...well, it's a walk in the park! I've also found that if I put my Kindle books onto audio, I can drive and listen to my favourite books at the same time, so I'm quite happy.
The staff at the Beatson are very friendly and professional. It is easy for a new patient to worry about radiotherapy when you don't know what to expect. But the staff are relaxed and approachable, so I feel I have been able to ask whatever questions that have been worrying me. They also do regular image and dose checks to make sure that you are given the right amount of radiation and there are always two members of staff to check your treatment, so I feel pretty reassured.

I am also doing pretty well cutting out the animal products from my diet. I feel good, happier, healthier and I can see my skin improving again. I still need to step up on my water intake and some essential minerals and vitamins that I want to supplement. People that don't take animal products need vitamin B12, so that is a necessity.

Research on prevention of ill health shows that maintaining a low stress level is important. Research is pretty clear that stress can impact on our immune and cardiovascular systems. So, I'm adding some Reiki and meditation in as often as I can. This can be difficult at night as I tend to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow! One thing that I have found to be extremely helpful at reducing stress and worry, is remaining in the now. Your point of power is right now. Right at this moment. You can't change the past, it's done. There is little point worrying about the future, about what might happen. That time isn't here yet, so worrying won't help. But now, now is what is here. Now you can appreciate what you have. Now you can do what needs to be done. Now you can chose something better. Now you can think that all is ok...and it is!

click on the link  -Research on stress and cancer

Reclaiming normality

So the school holidays have begun and thankfully I'm starting to feel like my old self again. I have been busy doing things that are more in line with normality.
I had nominated my sis as baton bearer as part of the run up to the Commonwealth Games and she was running her 200 metres last Saturday in Bearsden. We had to be up pretty early to get ready and be over in Bearsden for 8.30am. I hadn't told Anita that I would definitely be there so it was a nice surprise to be calling her on from the side of the road as she ran past in her high heels (my sis loves shoes)!

It has also been wonderful having great days with the kids, more so because of the days that I missed through feeling rotten. The weather has been fantastic (unusual for good old Scotland) and so we have been to the beach lots, to the skate park and meeting up with friends for walks and picnics. 

Fun in the sun!







With regards to health, I'm starting Tamoxifen shortly. To be honest, I am not happy that I will be on long term medication. I am advised that to try prevent recurrence, I need this drug. I know that it is probably for the best, but it is hard to put more drugs into my system. Hopefully, I will not notice any side effects. I can only wait and see and ensure that I learn as much as possible about the medication.
Click on the link -Tamoxifen Info

What I am happy about however, is that I am moving steadily towards my 'veganisation' and loving it. I have borrowed some vegan recipe books from the library to get some inspiration for new meal ideas. And as usual I am still doing my usual research on the whole subject of health and diet.
Only today, one of my new FB friends who regularly posts and campaigns about nutrition posted a link from the Guardian regarding the poultry industry. It is an eye opener. Here it is...
Click on the link-_So you like chicken?

I also came across an excellent lecture on YouTube from Dr Michael Greger, 'Uprooting the Leading Cases of Death'  This American MD is also an author and professional speaker. This lecture is scientific, educational, inspiring and amusing. I urge you to watch it. It explains how animal products damage our health, leading to the top causes of death in the West. He also explains why medical and government institutions are not telling the public about this information. There was a great deal of information about diet, exercise and cancer outcomes...you can tell I was inspired!
Click on the link- Uprooting The Leading Causes of Death

Eat Up!

I have just watched an excellent programme about a group of diabetics who chose to take themselves to a vegan 'camp' to try and heal themselves of this debilitating disease. They also had a host of other problems such as high blood pressure and high cholesterol. They were away for a month. After 1 week of a raw vegan diet most of them were able to stop their medications. By the end of the month, they had all (except 1) lost weight, regained health and vitality, and their bloods were all within normal limits without medication. The exception to this was a type 1 patient who was able to drastically reduce his insulin. It also transpired that one other patient who completely reversed their diabetes was told by his GP when he came home that it wasn't type 2 diabetes as they had originally thought, it was type 1. So he had reversed a disease, thought to be incurable.("Simply Raw Reversing Diabetes in 30 days" www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pjkC71exKU)

It's amazing what our diets can do! It is a subject I am fascinated by. I believe that we can heal ourselves by eating properly. I also believe that our western diet is killing and mutating our bodies. The proof is all around us. Despite wonderful advances in technology and science our health is becoming worse. Obesity, diabetes, cancer, stroke, Alzheimer's and heart disease are all top killers in our society. Our health services are buckling under the strain that these diseases are putting on them. The future prognosis is scary, a quarter of the UK population is obese, including children. Sadly we now regularly see a plus fit size in children's clothing. 

Fat in a London sewer. Now imagine your arteries!

Cancer, heart disease, stroke rates are also on the increase. The way we eat is also affecting out environment.The growing demand for food and animal fodder is having huge consequences on climate change, marine life and pollution and there are calls from the EU and WHO to reduce this trend.

It's not easy to change a lifetime of bad habits. My own cancer story has really shaken me up. I want to try to change the future poor health outcomes for me and my family. I thought I ate reasonably healthy, but let's be honest, most of us have treats every day. Junk food has invaded our lives in the form of so called convenience. What's so convenient about cancer?

The truth is we have all been duped by big business. Sugar, fat, dairy, refined white foods or to be more precise, nutritionally deficient foods fill up our cupboards. We are a nation addicted to junk foods. And sadly, it is a situation created by fast food retailers, supermarkets and commercial agriculture to keep us addicted and consuming. Don't worry though, if you get sick, which you will, your doctor will ensure that you have all the right medications to keep you ticking along for another few years to consume some more. Thanks for that big pharma!

I really do get angry when I see people dying of malnutrition and parasitic diseases in some countries, while others put on programmes of people overindulging just for fun. Corruption and greed have created this dichotomy and it is a sad reflection of the social culture we find ourselves in and one completely avoidable. I get angry when I know that we are being 'fed' a bunch of lies in the guise of consumer choice when most common diseases are preventable through proper nutrition.                                       

So what's the truth? Well that is not an easy question to answer. Every day there is a new piece of research to tell you what to eat, or not. How much to exercise, or not. What drugs will help your symptoms, or not. The truth is hidden somewhere under it all. It's hard to see, you have just got to push your way through the misinformation and use your common sense. Jamie Oliver has been telling us about what is in junk food for a while now. And don't forget Gillian McKeith and her now famous phrase "you are what you eat". If we look to other countries and cultures where the rates of these killer diseases are very low we find that they eat a wholefoods, plant based diet. To put more simply, they don't eat white refined crap, they eat less animal products and use the whole grain and plenty of fruit and veg. (http://www.apocp.org/cancer_download/Volume9_No2/d%20351%20Filiz%206C.pdf)

 The World Health organisation recognise this and recommend a shift to this type of diet to reduce the global obesity crisis and other diseases (http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs311/en/).

So why am I telling you all this? Well I guess it's my way of trying to bring some awareness to our 'sick' problem and also it is an introduction to my own nutritional journey which I am travelling. Let's all try to be more conscious about what we are eating. Now that my chemo has finished, I will be getting back to eating better and nagging you all out there to do the same!

Moving forward

It's been difficult I have to be honest, but I have reached the end of the chemotherapy sessions at last! I really wasn't sure if I'd make it to the end as session five was so gruesome. The nursing and medical staff were great and really tried to accommodate me as much as possible. Dr Scott's parting words were kind and supportive advising that if I couldn't go ahead with the last treatment, to not beat myself up too much, I had done well. But it was the words of Theresa, my lovely new friend and a breast cancer survivor too, that gave me the strength and courage to walk through the doors of that oncology department for the last time. Over a lovely brunch, Theresa simply said "if it was me, I would be trying to maximise my chances." She doesn't know that her words rattled about my brain for the next week, gently persuading me to do it anyway.

I'm now at day 12. The nausea is waning away. I feel my strength slowly returning.

On Friday I got three tattoos! But not of the regular image kind...3 tiny dots to mark radiotherapy treatment areas. It won't be long until I start daily treatments. I believe it makes you tired and your skin can get sore, but after the nausea I have had, I'm less worried about it.

It feels great to join the land of the living again! Going for lovely walks, out for shopping, meeting friends, out for a nice meal, a walk along the beach...heaven!

from this...

                              to this!

On a final note, the musical that my sister has written to raise breast cancer awareness, is now racing ahead in it's production. Tickets are now on sale. It will be amazing so have a look at the link and grab yourself a great night at the theatre!

Tickets!

2014...not a good year!

It's day 8 post chemo no5.  It was not a pleasant experience...in fact, my stomach is churning as I am typing. I have what is called anticipatory nausea, so it means that before the actual side effects of nausea and vomiting from the actual drugs, I get sick in anticipation of getting the chemo. It was bad. I was trying to distract myself by chatting to a fellow survivor when the boaking started. Then came the vomiting.  I had to tell the staff to go ahead and inject the drugs while vomiting. There was nothing they could do.

Eight days later, I am still feeling the effects of this along with all the other expected ones. The skin of my palms are peeling, my nose is constantly running, my gullet feels burnt (from the gastric acids due to all the vomiting), my head is sore, I'm very breathless on mild exertion, hot flushes,I could sleep all day long, my urethra feels irritated, the area where my liver is feels uncomfortable at times, my ears are constantly buzzing and I look like crap!

I've been missing out on some of my children's events, which is pretty frustrating. My friend wanted to help me out by taking them for their tea and a play on the night of their school disco. This was a great help as I was unable to on the day post chemo. When my daughter came home she was crying. her ankle was sore and she had tripped in a hole while playing. That night and the next day, it was too painful for her to put her foot down. There was only one thing for it. My already frazzled husband had to take her to A&E. She came home with a half cast on...she had a fracture.
I really couldn't believe it. What else was the universe planning to throw at us!
Today however, we had a pleasant surprise. The doctor told us (at her return appointment) that her x-ray was okay, despite what we were originally told, she came home with a support boot instead of a cast. Hooray! 

Catch-up

Well that last blast of chemo left me pretty floored for a while. While the gastric symptoms had eased slightly(because the oncologist withheld the IV steroids), I felt as if the my life-force had been drained from my body. Even talking was an effort. I slowly and steadily picked up as the days passed until  normality crept in again.

Over these days, my lovely dog became unwell. We were really worried about her. After 4 trips to the vet, a course of antibiotics, a pelvic scan and bloods, we were told she that she would have to go to the vet school for a lumbar tap as they suspected possible meningitis. So poor Lexi was whisked away. We got her home 4 days later. The tap was positive and she has to have steroids until remission. It will take a while for her to recover. As I took her a short walk yesterday, we both looked a picture!  Both of us tired, walking slowly, trying to recover. What a sight! Roll on healthier days.

4 down

I had a lovely few days before chemo blast no 4...the children's sports day, meeting with good friends and my sister's get together karaoke party for her 50th. I felt good. It felt good to feel good.
I felt ridiculous as I  boaked continuously while the nurse was injecting me with the poison. Even as I write this I feel a well of bile rise up inside me as I think about those syringes. I apologised profusely to the nurse because I know that it's a psychological association now...I'm going to have to try undo it before my next blast.
It's now day 8 post chemo. It really floored me. It was as if my life force was hovering outside of me. Breathless and without energy you feel pathetic and weak...and frustrated. Without complaint, my hubby kept me fed and watered. Without complaint, he slept on the sofa to not pass on the cold he acquired.
My good, dear friends, whisked my children away and I cried because I was so grateful that they helped me by giving the children the fun time they so deserved. You really do know your true friends in times of need...they are the ones that just send the text to say 'I can take the kids today.'
It's great when the recovery days between doses arrive. It's great taking part in normality again.
Wouldn't it be great to ocassionally feel as free as Walter Mitty on his longboard through Iceland...

Measuring our lives

I can't let this week go by without talking about two wonderful and inspiring people who sadly lost their battles to cancer. Steven Sutton, who peacefully died yesterday and Hannah Foxley who passed away on May 6th. These awesome heroes of cancer left wonderful legacies, using their own diagnosis  to talk openly about the effects of cancer, raise awareness and fundraise for cancer charities.

Since her initial diagnosis, Hannah quit her secure financial planning job and set up her own business of helping divorced women with their financial planning. She also became an ambassador for  Breakthrough Cancer and began fundraising for it and other cancer charities to raise their profile and  money. Many people learned who she was after she had posed nude in photographs which visually showed her battle scars. For many, it was a shock, but her aim was to raise awareness and to remind women to be confident in their body image, regardless of how it looks. I for one respected her courage, strength and conviction.

Steven Sutton became a household name. I don't know anyone who hasn't heard about "Steve's Story." He has raised over an amazing three and a half million pounds! He showed the world that you can do amazing things even when diagnosed with terminal cancer. I loved to read his quote that "life isn't measured by the length of time you are here, it's measured by your achievements".  I don't think anyone can argue that he achieved greatness in his all too short 19 years. 

For many people that are told they have cancer, it is quite natural to do a life review so far. I for one know that how easy it is to start regretting wasted time, time not spent recognising how precious time is.  But as Eckhart Tolle advocates in "The Power of Now" we can stop this destructive way of thinking about our past or future by living in the present moment.  It's really hard to keep on top of our niggling minds but I'm going to take a leaf out of Steven and Hannah's book...

https://www.facebook.com/StephensStory?fref=ts

http://hannahfoxley.com

Chasing butterflies

It's a beautiful day! I went out for a walk with my four legged friend and while I enjoyed feeling at ease in my body, she chased some butterflies!

The rotten gastric symptoms are easing now and I have some new medicinal firearms thanks to my GP who promptly wrote me a prescription for everything and anything that might help me to get through.

I also had a call from someone who might be able to help me to help others in a similar situation to myself, so that has helped me to feel more positive and pro-active. I think that I need to take this crappy situation and use it in a way that can help me and others. My background is in nursing and I have a masters degree in health psychology but being the patient puts me in an ideal situation to truly help and understand others who need it. 

Happy what day?

My apologies for blog neglect. My only excuse is that I felt awful and small tasks seemed enormous. 

So I guess I have some catching up to do. Last Tuesday (29th) I had a pretty busy day. A pelvic scan to see if I can get a laparoscopic removal of ovaries/uterus when the time is right...thanks to the BRCA2 gene mutation, I need to reduce my risk of cancer in this area too!

I also had my bloods done and spoke to the oncologist. He never looks that happy to see me! I am the patient from hell! I really complained about the side effects from the last cycle of chemo. I explained about the sheer burning gastric hell that was mine for almost two weeks. He considered cutting out the steroids only but I felt I needed a dose reduction and he reluctantly agreed. I really just wanted to scream "try it for your bloody self and see how you cope!"...but I didn't...I smiled politely and said thanks! My breast care nurse was once again supportive and she agreed I had to do what was right for me...to see this through.

Day 1 of chemo cycle 3 arrived the next day. I had a friend with me so I was ushered to a side bay. As I watched the red and clear poison being injected I prayed the reduced dose might let me off a bit lighter than last time...but it didn't!

Well to be honest, at first I thought it had. I felt nausea, took my usual anti-emetics and omeprazole, I even had an anti-anxiety tab to try and I went to bed as usual. The symptoms at first seemed more manageable than the last time. As the days passed however, I could feel the gastric acid starting once again to rise. Boaking became my new pastime! I had really thought that by day four I would be ok but I just stayed in bed...it was my birthday! My poor hubby and children tried to make me feel better with cards, presents and a
cake. I smiled weakly at them and felt guilty for feeling crap!

I broke my heart on Sunday. It was the Race for Life. I so wanted to do it wearing a bright pink wig but instead I looked at the pics of others doing it and cried! It was a real low point. 

My sister tried to brighten my mood by bringing me lovely presents and a fab cake. The cake had a hand made (by sis) Wonder Woman model to try to remind me to be strong. It wasn't so easy this time to relate to when I felt so rotten.

The side effects of chemotherapy are not really fully understood or researched. While oncologists try to manage symptoms as best as possible most patients simply suffer in silence at home in bed hoping that it'll pass and thinking this is chemo, this is what I need to accept.

Getting some doggie support!

Many people feel really low during chemo, depressed even and I for one know how this feels. It is very hard having people trying to support you while you feel truly ghastly and helpless while at the same time keep a smile on your face for the kids or those that pop in to see you. I believe that the while the drugs making you feel bloody awful are a large part, I also feel that the toxic effects on the brain and your emotions are at play too...simply making it all seem worse. A great deal more research needs to be done on managing side effects and therapeutic dosage levels.

I'm going to see my GP again today to see if she can offer any other support to help with this gastritis. My concern is that I'm already on all the drugs that are advised for this condition and I am already doing all the right things that one with gastritis should do. The main problem though, is one would generally stop taking the 'things' (drug, alcohol, spicy foods, etc) that cause the problem...for me that is the chemo and I still have 3 more cycles to go...so I'm struggling to look ahead at the mo and remain positive.

Never forgotten

I took a short trip today to say Happy Birthday to a dear old friend. We couldn't have a coffee, or a long overdue chat, or a cry on each other's shoulder for she sadly passed away 8 years ago after a battle with breast cancer...sadly the cancer won. 

I wouldn't normally visit a grave. My personal belief is that my friend wouldn't be there...her energy is somewhere else...maybe watching over us or reviewing the lessons of her past life..maybe even living again, another life. But I did go to that grave, I felt compelled. It was her birthday and I needed to mark the day in some way. This year being of significant importance due to my own breast cancer diagnosis. I wanted her to know I was carrying on the fight!

It's hard to believe it's been 8 years since I last saw her. Her death deeply affected so many people especially her close friends and her family.  She was a good person, always ready to help others. Beautiful inside and out. We had known each other since we were five years old. Time could pass us by, but when we met, it was as if we had seen each other just the day before. Friends like that are hard to come by... I miss her every day. 

Feel the burn!

No,  I'm not exercising, if only I had the strength to do so.  No, this burn is my poor GI (gastrointestinal) tract screaming out in bloody misery to this poison circulating in my body. It's making me feel nauseous too...and I've so had enough of that! 

I called my GP... a thing I rarely do and told her of my plight. I knew that the best thing for this would be omeprazole (a drug that is used to treat gi problems like ulcers, etc) and once I explained my symptoms that was what she said she would prescribe. 

I've had one tablet and I could feel the burning easing at last. Hopefully that's me on the mend till the next round.  

Side effects

Bleurgh! It's day 7 post chemo and instead of starting to enjoy food I'm still pondering what I can eat that won't make me feel rotten. My GI tract feels raw. I've added ranitidine to my daily cocktail to see if it helps. I might even have to do the unimaginable and contact my GP for a prescription of something or another (I rarely go to GP). I'm annoyed. I want to be stuffing my face with all sorts of lovely food and instead I'm staring vacantly at my cupboards wondering what foods are likely to do least damage. I was looking at some of the chat forums on the Macmillan site to see if anyone else was feeling the same, maybe there was something simple that helped them. Sadly I was surprised at how many people just accept and tolerate a whole host of chemo side effects that maybe they shouldn't be. I don't want to be the the same so I guess I had better go and call someone.

From under the stone

It's Day 5 post chemo. I'm surveying the wreck after the second round. I'm beginning to look like an extra from 'The Walking Dead'...god knows, I feel it! It was the same last round, on day 5 I could crawl out from under my stone and try to find some normality in this horribleness. So just in case you wonder what my blog would have looked like on those previous days here it is...

Wednesday Chemo Round 2

I felt pretty excited to be here as I'm getting new anti emetics and I'm told they are great in the land of chemo. The toxins were injected in as normal and I go home to wait. As expected, teatime, it starts. My head starts to buzz inside. My eyes feel sore as if the light is blinding and the waves of nausea are about to wash over me. It's best if I'm in bed now...so I go leaving hubby to deal with kid's teas, etc.

And there it starts. The anti emetics are working, I'm not feeling like vomiting. I'm not feeling nausea. But the waves still come and I still feel hideously sick...there is no god!

Thursday Day 2

Tossing and turning in bed, no position can relieve this crappy feeling. I feel like I have stomach flu.  I want to crawl under a stone and not come out.

Friday Day 3

Forget it, I'm not coming out. I am however blessed by good friends who in turn whisk my son away and then my daughter. It is a relief not having to feel bad that I am having to ignore them during their holidays...thank you good friends x

Saturday Day 4

I manage to crawl from my stone to the sofa for a bit and later, as I head back to bed I can feel the chemical craze starting to ease...maybe tomorrow.

Sunday Day 5

I'm out. Still feeling pretty weak but the 'stomach flu' feeling has eased and I can begin to move towards feeling more normal. Normal is wonderful! Be glad to feel normal...I do!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5yaoMjaAmE

Move over Demi!

I stood in the shower watching the clumps of hair just washing down from my head over my body to the plug hole. I expected it...but it was still a shock to see so much. I tried to dry and style my hair carefully but every brush, every iron, saw handfuls slipping out. I spent the day picking hair from my clothes...so did my family. On Saturday, I looked into the mirror knowing it had to go. I couldn't go another day wondering if one large gust of wind would leave me standing bald and embarrassed! The appointment was set. I was set...I thought! It is a hard decision to make...shaving your head. Was I jumping the gun? Should I wait longer...try some comb overs? It's worked for Donald Trump and the Baldy Man for years!

With doubts in mind I made my way to the hairdressers. Francis of Galston offer an excellent service for people just like me. I cannot thank their staff member Kylie enough. With such compassion and professionalism she has guided me through the ins and out of choosing and fitting a wig. I cannot recommend them enough!

I sat in the chair, the door was locked, no-one was coming in! I quietly voiced my concerns...was I doing this too soon...should I wait longer...keep me, being me just for a while more? But Kylie could see I hated the hair falling out, I hated that I couldn't colour it (and it sooo needed coloured) and with a few words I knew I was doing the right thing. She said what I needed to hear. She said that this was ME taking control...not the bloody chemotherapy! I chose the time, and I was doing it before feeling that I had had no other choice!

Kylie said she often turns people away from the mirror, shaves their head and fits their new hair. When they turn back they don't need to think about the trauma of losing their hair. I guess my choice to watch through the whole procedure was about knowing that when I got home, I would still have to look in the mirror anyway. I would look and choose to see a strong character like Demi Moore in GI Jane!

So it was done...

I can't lie, a few tears were shed when I thought about how my children would feel. But like the diagnosis, like the surgery, like the need for chemotherapy, I have to move to a place of acceptance. It's another step forward in this process, in this journey. 

Kylie's job was done. I looked in the mirror and yes I looked like me again!

Get that chemo look!

Well it has started. You can't put it off. You can't do anything about it. It's inevitable. Getting chemo means your hair will start to fall out. A few nights ago my head was tingly all over...my hair roots were dying. Today, day 15 post chemo, as I ran my fingers through my hair lots of strands came away. It was inevitable...but it is still saddening when it happens. I'm trying to look on the bright side...I will save a fortune in hair colourants and I won't need to shave my legs/underarms all summer. As I have legs like a chimp this is a definite bonus!

Laughing in the face of normality

I'm celebrating today. It's my 8 year wedding anniversary (Happy Anniversary to my wonderful hubby x) and I'm also celebrating my departure from normality. 

What is normal anyway? Well the dictionary says normal is "conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected." Well I'm not happy with that definition! So why am I displeased? I met a friend out walking today, I told him about my latest cancer news, he told me about his problems. He didn't feel quite right, not normal. He struggled to use the word depressed in the same way I struggle to say cancer. Chatting helped. It helped him to see that his feelings are to be completely expected given his current life changes. It made him feel, dare I say, more normal. 

It is past time that we compare ourselves to this fake notion of normal...there really is no such thing. Normal leads to exclusion and labelling.  Our norms are shaped by our cultures and nudged along by media, current trends, business, law, etc. What is normal in one culture could be seen as dysfunctional or abnormal in another. And yes of course,  while definitions of normal help us to discuss how we expect people to interact with us, or help a doctor plan treatment, these definitions should never serve to exclude, which they more frequently do.

This is why raising awareness is important to me. Not just about cancer but about health, emotions, feelings. When we hide behind our masks, when we don't talk, discuss, learn, we become ignorant of what is really normal, that there is no real normal. If we could only spend 5 minutes each day talking to your friends, family, colleagues, neighbours, telling them how you really feel, not judging yourself or them but just accepting, we would slowly come to realise that we are all the same really. We are all just getting by in this crazy world.